Why are we the way we are?
A short Course in Human Social/Sexual Bonding:
- 1. Love and Sex:
- A true loving bond is the result of sharing oneself with another and is inherently selfish as it is done for one's own pleasure. (It feels good)
There is No demand for specific return
attached to the gift of love/sex as the activity is it's own reward.
- (It feels good)
The physical and emotional pleasures of loving
attachments are conferred upon and benefit both partners.
- (It feels good)
- The instincts that encourage Humans to form loving relationships are the result of millions of years of biological evolution.(
- (It feels good)
- 2. CO-Dependency:
- The classic Co-dependent relationship is clearly a result of investing EGO rather than emotion in another person. Co-dependent partners have either conscious or subconscious expectation of some specific return on their investment.
- 3. Cultural effects:
- Unfortunately, modern cultural values create a reversed view of the pleasure bond as a transaction with predictable results. Social/sexual submission has become a prostitution of self interest. Females are conditioned to use their sexuality as a bargaining chip to assure their safety and the security of their offspring and males have been conditioned to view a woman's sexuality as currency or chattel.
- The result is often not a loving relationship, but a bargain. I.e. if you do THIS then I will reward you THUS. Bargaining for social attachment denigrates the natural emotional bond and replaces it with an artificial deal. Sadly, many women discover their "bargaining chips" loose value as time passes and without a genuine emotional bond they may be discarded in favor of what he perceives as a better deal.
- 4. Males are confused too:
- Men in today's culture often feel they are being manipulated and used by women. They must act-out display and demonstrate to attract a mate and they are selected or rejected by women based upon criteria they don't completely understand. This would seem to place women in control of SEX, but it's a superficial artifact of modern culture and not a true picture.
- Obviously, even in the Egalitarian Cultures of the 21st Century, Social/sexual interaction is about males, as females instinctively spend far more time and energy attracting a proper mate and in reality, they have much more to loose if they choose poorly.
- 5. Natural TRIBAL behavior:
- There is no doubt that the genuine emotional rewards of love encourage long term bonds and these inherent, instinctive behaviors are the end result of countless Eons of biological evolution.
- In tribal cultures, the ALPHA or dominant, male controls most sexual pairings. The majority of males are subordinate to him and are instinctively opportunistic and indiscriminate about sex. Most Anthropologists agree that this is a tendency that carries over to modern males who often display poor ethical standards.
- Females evolved sexual characteristics that are associated with desirability and learn culturally specific skills and behaviors that add to their value as a mate. This ability to foster a lasting emotional bond is significant and became a part of the nature of femininity. As they mature, females are focused upon finding and forming a social/sexual bond with a dominant male to assure long term safety for her and her offspring.
- To sum up:
- One may choose to use culturally learned behaviors to secure a relationship based upon a negotiated bargain. These deals may result in a fair partnership, but often are not stable in the long run.
- One may allow natural, self interest to supersede learned cultural behaviors and perhaps find a mate and develop a bond based upon instinctive pleasure and genuine emotional attachment.
- In My opinion, LOVE is a spiritual and emotional experience that arises naturally from the physical and creates the sense of shared futures that all human beings yearn for. Love and social-sexual bonds form within the emotional centers of the Brain/Mind and are far more likely to endure for a lifetime than those formed in the cognitive centers of the Brain/Mind as a result of cultural bargains.
- 6. MONOGAMY vs POLYAMORY:
- The past few decades have seen America's social mores shift from strict monogamy (Ozzie and Harriet) to a serial form of monogamy. (The Young and the Restless) The grave consequences of this shift affect the families of countless Americans.
- Western Cultural values compel mates to separate when one of both are attracted to another. People despair over waning physical attraction and move on to a new sexual partner, then repeat the same emotional suffering few years later. In the process, families are torn apart and children loose contact with biological parents and are subjected to emotional stress that is unnecessary.
- In My view, our Cultural imperative to sustain an exclusive monogamous relationship over a lifetime, is unnatural, unrealistic, and untenable for many people. The notion of a "biological imperative" for monogamy is simply a myth. The new science of genetic testing proves that more than 98% of all animal species do not maintain exclusivity with a single mate. There are virtually no monogamous social Mammals and all our relatives in the primate family, such as our closest cousins, Bonobo's, practice social sexuality as an important part of their way of life.
- Dr. Helen Fisher, a renowned anthropologist with the American Museum of Natural History published an excellent book on this subject. "Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray" (Fawcett, 1995). is a thoroughly researched book which gives a clear view of how we evolved in both body and brain with regards to sex and love. Dr. Fisher includes an explanation of the evolution of the primitive brain and the effects of brain biology and neuro-chemistry.
- Other recent research reveals that 86% of The World's recognized Human cultures, sanction or tacitly accept some form of polygamy or polyamory behavior, I.e. marriage to more than one partner or implicit tolerance of intimate relationships outside of the marriage vows. This finding certainly seems to weaken the popular view of most Western Cultures that monogamous marriage is the one and only acceptable way for humans to live.
- 7. SEXUAL INTERCOURSE:
- No one should be branded as defective or wrong because they are alone, but Humans are a naturally social animal. Sexual bonding is in our species best interest, and has become, through eons of adaptation, an integral part of our quest for happiness. However, there are obviously many purposes for sex, beyond reproduction.
- Regardless of what we may say or do overtly, SEX is a technology of communication between Humans. It is a fundamental and natural way we all share emotional feelings and messages. Whether intentional or subliminal, we use body language, facial expressions, and tactile sensations. The pleasures of warmth, pressure, orgasm, and even the infamous wet spot, are integral parts of this powerful sexual language.
- Sex is a part of D/s... But, despite what curious outsiders may suspect, the essence of D/s isn't sexual…It is emotional. Sharing emotions is a way people forge bonds, thus, sexual unions tend to create the "Pleasure Bond" and sense of "Belonging" and shared futures, that all humans crave.
- An important part of my responsibility is to manage our family's "Risk Pool." Therefore, I never enter into intimate liaisons casually and I demand that those who serve me, act ethically and responsibly when they enter into relationships with others.