OmiGod...! What's WRONG with Me?
The BDSM or D/s lifestyle is like any other choice of lifestyle, it is a blending of instinct, emotion, intellect, and behavior to create a viable, fulfilling, and pleasant way to interact with one's family and social peers.
Most females instinctively find themselves attracted to Dominant Males and dominant behaviors. A female who demonstrates submissive traits only in direct connection with sexual arousal and release, may act completely different in a non sexual environment. She will "connect" viscerally and emotionally with submissive behavior in the context of SEX but sometimes has a deep and abiding guilt and experiences remorse about what she conceives as culturally inappropriate "feelings."
It is incorrect to think that submissive sexual behavior is similar or related to a FETISH such as leather clothing or foot worship. A fetish is a NON SEXUAL object, body part or behavior, NOT normally connected to sexual activity, that excites and arouses the libido. A fetish becomes an important part of the emotional and intellectual thought process that triggers sexual arousal and orgasm. When the fetish becomes obsessive the person may be sexually dysfunctional without it.
The instinctive and intuitive drive to mate with a strong and assertive man is clearly quite a different thing from a fetish. There are distinct biological advantages to finding and bonding with a Dominant Male. The chemical "reward" released within the "Limbic system," for finding such a mate is very ancient and natural. The pleasures are both physical and emotional and include orgasm as well as the sense of self-esteem, well-being, and belonging or bonding that a submissive woman enjoys when she demonstrates these behaviors.
A modern woman may feel competent and secure in her everyday life, yet find she has many fantasy images relating to force or even rape, crossing her mind when she is sexually aroused. While she may yearn to experience these submissive fantasies during sexual activity they may be very troubling to her on an intellectual level. Today's culture specifically inhibits male aggression and even if she overcomes her own doubts and inhibitions, she may find her male partner is not comfortable acting out the more aggressive behavior she craves. If she views her sexual proclivities as PERVERSIONS she may consider herself to be flawed or bad and her self esteem may suffer.
Conversely, a woman whose sexual triggers are linked to submissive behavior may have some difficulty understanding why she lacks submissive feelings, desires, or thoughts, outside of the sexual arena. If she finds these conflicting concepts confusing, even a highly educated and extremely competent woman may be seduced into the belief that being submissive, in every area of her life, is the key to her personal happiness and she may attempt to integrate submissive behavior patterns into areas of her life where they do not feel natural or comfortable to her.
A Natural "Alpha" Female is often the victim of her own confused concepts of Dominance and submission. Her instincts are to find and mate with a dominant male, yet very few males can actually dominate her. Most males are subordinate and despite their instinct to imitate or emulate Dominant behavior, they are "intuitively" attracted to her strength and will. Some men will become abusive or cruel in an effort to assert dominance yet they will demonstrate "submissive" behaviors in her presence as well. She is caught between her instinct to mate with a stronger Male and her allure to the majority of subordinate males. When she does meet a truly Dominant Male, she often finds internal "limits" are in place. She may wish to hide or disguise her natural dominance or she may feel peculiar and challenge a true Alpha in ways she would never act out with less dominant Males.
The majority of modern women, in this culture, are likely to feel and demonstrate their personal strengths and not display overt submissiveness. Despite this trend, most women dislike conflict and competition and prefer socially pleasant interaction. Many struggle with decision making although they are perfectly competent. Many also admit to emotional insecurity and a general lack of connection to a strong Male counterpart. The Sexual drive of humans is no more complex than that of the earliest vertebrates. Sadly, these mental conflicts arise because Humans are culturally complex and diverse.
A woman raised and educated in this culture may find herself filled with self loathing in the aftermath of a sexual scene where she simply OBEYED her biological urges. This sense of revulsion can appear almost instantly following the natural conclusion of a sex act. Instead of basking in the after glow of her orgasm and enjoying all the chemical rewards programmed into her, she may wonder WHY submissive behavior arouses her so strongly and feel remorse and confusion. Intellectually, she may feel it's wrong to relate to her intimate partner from a submissive point of view and she may feel betrayed by her NATURE. Instead of the joy and fulfillment that she craves, she may experience difficulty returning to a state of emotional well being, perhaps for hours after the sexual pleasure of orgasm.
From the perspective of a normal subordinate male, being involved with a "sexual" submissive can be enormously enjoyable. If the two are compatible and both enjoy the particular "triggers" that work for her, he is allowed the pleasure of acting out dominant behaviors as she enjoys her own submissive feelings. He can dominate her, within their sex life, and enjoy these very erotic scenes, but he doesn't have to pretend to be dominant all the time and they can share responsibility and effort in all other areas of their relationship.
In the ideal relationship, D/s partners may provide each other with nurturing that eases any sense of guilt and confusion. They may harbor doubts about their behavior, but in many cases they intellectualize their feelings and create a stronger bond as their "secret" perversions are shared.
In a classic Co-dependent relationship, these feelings of "wrongness, may be directed at each other. The thoughts and acts of BDSM or D/s, which either partner may deem inappropriate, are BLAMED upon to other. The Dominant may abuse his submissive partner physically, emotionally, or both and accuse her of bringing out this cruelty and "animal" nature. Conversely, the submissive may ease her guilt and remorse by pretending it is the dominant male who is cruel and abusive and accepting no responsibility for His acts, despite the fact that she will not even try to escape.
The truth is, nearly every female experiences a NATURAL tendency to want a strong and dominant male "figure" in her life and is equipped by nature with the means to recognize him intuitively. Her secondary sexual characteristics are visible and exaggerated, she has breasts and shapely hips and she instinctively knows what postures, gestures, expressions and behaviors will lure him to her bed. Likewise nearly every male tends to imitate or emulate basic dominant body language, postures, gestures, and behaviors that will convince a female He is the one she seeks. Dominance and submission is programmed into our genes and serve our best interests.
Humans are basically a social animal tending to behave with predictable patterns within generally Polygynous clans or tribes. Our sexuality is not a cultural decision, it is largely chemical and very primitive. Whether you are comfortable with a 24/7 relationship of abject slavery to your adored Mate, or simply like to be tied up and blindfolded during sexual play, you are behaving in a perfectly natural way for Humans. The pleasures of SEX and Mating are evil, nor is the way that one finds these pleasures supposed to be a mystery or a sin.
If you believe yourself to be a sexual submissive then I urge you to become comfortable with who you are and not try to force yourself to fit into any other persons idea of what you must be. If you feel the urge to affect Dominant Behavior, take responsibility for your urges and accept the desires are a natural part of Male sexuality. If you seek a partner or counterpart, be honest, communicate with Him/her and understand that these yearnings aren't perversions but reflect millions of years of successful biological adaptations.