HOW do you learn to submit?

"I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”  ― Anaïs Nin

This guide is meant to serve as a road map to an aspiring submissive. To help her along the path of experiences as she discovers and explores the thoughts, feelings and emotions that will lead to her submission. The guide will help her chose a proper Master and give direction as they continue together to explore and enjoy their D/s relationship. 

These thoughts are based upon scientific research, personal experience, and interviews with others in the D/s community.  I do not include a lot of information about BDSM as it is My contention that Sadism and masochism are activities of personal preference for specific sensations rather than integral instincts or behavioral aspects of Dominant/submissive behavior.

Step One, Discovering:
The emotional longing that is associated with submissiveness is often felt at a very young, even pre-pubescent, age. A young woman may experience feelings within herself that seem to go against the social mores and attitudes of her peers. Often these feelings simply coincide with the development of a woman's sexuality but stress from a difficult experience in life, a death, or breakup of a relationship, may be the impetus for the first self-examination and evaluation of her submissive feelings. These feelings usually progress from vague longings for unspecified relief to more specific and sexually relevant thoughts. She may feel confused, experience a mixture of thoughts and have both Dominant and submissive feelings. No person is 100% dominant or 100% submissive. The tendency for a woman to be submissive and for a man to be Dominant is only a genetic predisposition. To a great extent, social influences, family, religion, environment, unfortunately, even a history of abuse, are often mitigating factors in how long it takes, and to what extent, a woman becomes aware of and comfortable with, her natural, submissive instincts.

Step Two, Concern and Uncertainty:
Often the initial experiences of longing to be Protected and Secure, to Belong, to have less Personal responsibility, Etc. cause concern and doubt about these feelings and the accompanying emotions. A woman may feel isolated from her friends, family and even from her religion. "Modern" education, Political correctness, Social legislation, the Woman's Rights Movement, Etc. have created stereotypes that are the polar opposite of her desires and feelings. A submissive at this point may feel she is the only woman in the world who feels like this and she may not dare to discuss her emotions and thoughts with anyone. She may secretly nurture these emotions by reading "romance" novels, but she knows that a woman in today's "modern" society is not supposed to be submissive or weak and those who nurture fantasies of rape, kidnapping, bondage and slavery, are considered traitors to womanhood. The fact that these novels sell millions of copies is adequate evidence that she is not actually alone and that the emotions of submissiveness are widespread and quite normal.

Step Three, Curiosity:
When a submissive begins to read, and search for information about her feelings, or even to experiment with herself, she has reached a significant threshold. At this point she begins to reason, "There must be others like me, otherwise they wouldn't write all these stories, or make so many pictures, drawings and videos." Usually she feels relief when she realizes this, but it can be frightening at the same time. Her studies will intensify and her lone experiments may continue for some time before she feels secure enough to actually start to look for others to interact with or dares to seek a Master. The Internet BDSM Community has given the curious submissive a wonderful new resource for information and she can easily find materials and virtual friends. This new and safe way to learn and experiment has opened the door for many submissives.

Step Four, Seeking Relationships:
To find a way to integrate her submissive desires into her real life is the goal of this step and it is the most difficult time for many submissive women. When she begins an active search for others who share her submissive feelings and eventually seeks a Dominant Male who can evoke her submissive emotions, she may be very tentative. There are several factors that can create doubt in her mind. The difficulty of finding a balance between her desires and emotional needs and her relationships with family, friends, and perhaps even a husband can be very stressful. For some these risks are too significant and she may tend to simply go back to nurturing her feelings in secret. Problems dealing with setting priorities can cause her to become disillusioned or even worse.  A submissive women in this state of mind can be very vulnerable and embark upon an "abusive" relationship thinking it is D/s, and unfortunately, many viable and happy marriages have been destroyed because of misunderstanding these natural yearnings and emotions.  I have observed that it is not only possible but quite common in the D/s community to balance these fantasies and desires with real life. I often caution a novice not to over idealize the D/s relationship. Everyone in today's society is busy and must prioritize their time and energy resources. If you have real life commitments and responsibilities, they must be considered first in all decisions. Every woman has to balance her different roles as mother, career woman, wife, friend, etc. becoming a "novice" or "charge" is only one new role. She may need to be strong and self-confident 90% of the time, but her submissive emotions can still be nourished and fulfilled. D/s can be compared to a "hobby" in many ways. The sexual pleasure and emotional satisfaction that come from choosing to explore and experience this ancient, instinctive, behavior can make the difference between happiness and misery. Sure, to some people, the sexual aspects may seem bizarre, or even immoral, but that is a judgment she and her Master must make for themselves. She must take the time to be with and serve her Master to complete herself and foster her personal happiness and a proper Master will never expect her to abandon her existing life to totally, devote herself to Him.

Step Five, Learning and Understanding:
When a submissive has acquired significant information, discussed her feelings with other sub's and experimented with others, she will begin to understand her own mind. This may take years, but she will know when her mind/body has reached the stage of confident acceptance of her submissiveness. Her confidence will soar and she may decide to become active in the D/s community. It is likely that she will have engaged in several D/s relationships and found a Master that suits her style of submission. The adjustments and disappointments of earlier experiments are behind her and she has blossomed into a fulfilled and confident submissive.

Step Six, Living the Lifestyle:
Many D/s partners will never reach this goal. The joys of a 24/7 Dominant/submissive relationship cannot be overstated, but remember that enjoyment of the basic instinctive physical pleasure and emotional fulfillment of D/s doesn't require a 24/7 relationship. For many the search for a proper Master may be on-going and they may find pleasure with many. Ideally she will find "the One" and they will grow to understand and anticipate each other's needs. Master and charge will have identified "common ground" and by experimenting and learning together their relationship will continue to flourish forever.

Obviously there is no way to detail everything that every individual submissive may experience. Many submissive women go through each step and can easily and clearly identify the feelings of each one. Some withdraw, in disillusionment or fear and this may be the end of the experiment for her, or it may sometimes be only an interruption, and she may continue to pursue her submissive feelings and interests months, even decades later. Unfortunately, in too many cases, the social taboo and general political incorrectness of D/s can create such internal conflicts that some are forced into sad lives of confusion or "quiet desperation."