Establishing Clear Protocols:

Kinglizard © 1991

Among the most common problems faced in a D/s relationship is confusion about rules and protocols. I have been a life-style "Master/Daddy/Dominant" for nearly 20 years now and I believe it is foolish to start a D/s relationship too fast or make it too complex and rigid. I find most novices have fantasized extensively, but few have considered the practical, day-to-day, aspects of a real-life relationship.

As your primary "Authority Figure" it's up to Me provide clear and consistent guidance, but I don't want to micro-manage every aspect of your life! Obviously the specific details are different, but the simple fact is, this is exactly the same situation I must deal with to assure the best performance from My employees.

Here is a short list of guidelines for anyone who wishes to serve Me:
  • Do whatever makes the most sense to you unless I tell you I want to do it differently.
  • If you want to know how I want something done, ask for guidance.
  • Don't assume you did anything wrong just because I tell you to do it differently.
  • Don't permanently change the way you are doing something just because I tell you to do it differently once. If I expect a permanent change, I will make that clear.
  • If you ever find feel there is a conflict between two directives, clear it up with me.
  • If you have a suggestion about how you can do something better, say so.

From these first simple rules we may extrapolate and expand with specific Ideals. I am not shy about putting a rule in place and then changing or refining it later. It is usually easier to clarify or adjust an existing protocol than to invent a new one and nearly any rule or protocol is subject to discussion and negotiation. The last thing I want is for us to be trapped by our own rules and ideals that are too rigid tend to be broken or frustrating.

For example, I enjoy a cocktail when I get home. This fact can result in a variety of protocols:
  • Meet me at the door every day with a Stinger on the Rocks in My special Snifter.
  • When I get home, I expect you to make Me a drink and ask when I want it served.
  • When I get home, ask if I want a drink, I will tell you if I want one and what I want.
  • When I get home, I’ll tell you if I want a drink.

The first, of course, is the most rigid, and the most like what fantasy Master/slave protocols are “supposed” to look like. But in real life, it would involve a lot of melted ice and a seriously bored servant, as there is no INTERACTION. The other ideas involve an opportunity to actively demonstrate your submission and share that feeling with Me. There is no way we can implement and follow a hundred rigid rules right from the start and if we both find yourselves wondering, “What was that rule again?” we must simplify our agreement.

Do not expect Me to be consistent or predictable, as I believe there must be some thought behind your actions and a degree of doubt about whether your behavior is pleasing Me. My smile of approval or moan of pleasure is earned when you demonstrate initiative, imagination and commitment to Me and you will find personal joy and fulfillment from your efforts to make Me happy.
Rules and Protocols belong both of us and work best when negotiated between us. I am responsible to enforce them and you must understand and follow them. I have confidence in your intelligence and common sense. I don't want a silly, mischievous, servant that lacks good judgment and cannot be trusted.

I know that many people like to display their D/s relationship publicly and under the right circumstances I enjoy showing off My servant. However, we are intelligent, mature, 20th Century people and I have no wish to offend strangers by overtly acting-out a type of behavior that others may find strange or inappropriate.

Another thing to remember is that we don’t have to have the same level of complexity across the board. Our rules and protocols are established because we both want them. I am unlikely to remember to enforce a rule I don’t care about. Obviously, there are areas where I expect precise and exact behaviors and I will make those ideals clear to you, but if there are areas I don’t care about, I may set simpler rules or none at all. However, when we agree upon a rule or protocol, I will enforce it strictly but I will never punish you for breaking a rule we haven’t established and agreed upon. Obviously, I have high standards for character issues, but as long as you are diligent and trying your best, I will be happy with you.
If you are doing something you know is wrong or being too mischievous, I may react with some form of "discipline" but if there is a problem that doesn't have a rule, we will discuss it, I will explain why it displeased Me and we may decide a new rule is appropriate.

Remember that one of the protocols we can set is WHEN. It is perfectly acceptable to reserve certain behavior and rules to specific times and situations. Some people are hesitant to set rules because it is easy to see situations in which they would be awkward or embarrassing. I believe it is important to be comfortable in the real world. It is sensible to have different protocols for different situations. For example, some of our rules and protocols won't be in place at the mall or at your mother's house. I don't expect you to act the same in every situation. It can be "Master, may I serve your drink?" when we are alone or in kinky company, but just, "Would you like a drink?" when we are with vanilla friends or in a public place. Or that at a fetish event, you are expected to stand quietly next to Me, while in a vanilla situation, that rule is relaxed or enforced by use of a prearranged signal or phrase. Similarly, we may have protocols that only apply when we are in a "scene" or at a play party.

In simple terms, I intend to make our rules and protocols clear, uncomplicated. effective, and consensual and I consider making rules and putting in protocols about anything that:
  • Turns us on and brings physical pleasure.
  • Enhances our emotional bond and attachment.
  • Stabilizes and balances our spiritual well-being.
  • Upsets either of us or creates conflict within our relationship.
  • Makes other people uncomfortable.

Of course we want to establish rules and protocols about sexual behavior that enhances our physical enjoyment and supports our egos and personal fantasies. Sharing these ideas and thoughts will help reinforce our D/s bond. If either of us wants some specific sex act or a specific kind of behavior, we can negotiate how and when to act it out. Conversely, I am very happy to put protocols in place that limit or minimize things that you find are negative or inappropriate.
It is My experience that one of the richest and most overlooked areas for protocol is our current routine. Things we already enjoy on a regular basis. I used the example above about having a drink when I get home.

We already eat, sleep, bathe, dress, go to and come home from work, walk through doorways, watch TV, and so on. A D/s relationship can be enhanced by simply creating rituals around these ordinary activities. I consider these simple, normal things are an opportunity to create a protocol or involve My servant.
She May ask:
  • Do you want your clothes laid out, Sir?
  • Is this the way you prefer me to dress, Sir?
  • Shall I serve dinner now, Sir?
None of this in any way requires you to behave in any particular way, it is simply "Ritual Courtesy" which affects the way you perceive yourself and reinforces My role as your primary Authority Figure.

The main idea is to do the normal things we do in ways that enhance and reinforce our D/s relationship. I am quite a fun guy and very easy to get along with but there is nothing wrong with expecting My food to be served from the right or having a general protocol that you will not begin eating until I have tasted and approved the meal. I expect My servant to keep our home clean and neat and when a formal meal is over, clear the table, put the dishes in the dishwasher and dispose of the trash. However, I may choose to do these things Myself at times. It is our home and doing My share of chores, doesn't make Me less Dominant.

My life has been enhanced greatly by the practices of D/s. I truly appreciate being served, obeyed and respected and I respect and value My servant. My servants often express their gratitude for the sense of belonging, security and general well-being they experience within our relationship.

Finally, if you are new at this, remember that unless you had a very unusual childhood, you were not taught to think this way. I am convinced that D/s has roots in our species' early evolution. Our deepest emotional feelings, Anger, Fear and Sex, are not based upon Culture or Ideas we learn. Practicing D/s triggers a set of emotional reactions that are much deeper than anything we learn. These feelings and behaviors are hard-wired in the most primitive parts of our Brain, the "Limbic Mind." .

Scientist and Philosopher, Joseph Campbell said, "Human beings generally prefer a colorful Myth, to the empirical truth." It seems most people are "hard-wired" to ignore anything we find very complex and confusing and simply look for someone or some thing to give us a sense of safety and well-being.

An "Alpha" male doesn't feel this way, and other people tend to look to Him for a sense of purpose and security. I know I am naturally dominant and being a leader and authority figure feels normal and right to Me. I have studied "Social/Sexual Dominance Hierarchy" and earned some respect within the Academic Community for My research. I understand the D/s Psycho-dynamic and I have many years of practical experience as well. I KNOW there are significant compromises and practical limitations to a day-to-day D/s Lifestyle, but I assure you, these ideals and behaviors can be integrated into a happy and fulfilling life.